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Post by Feliciano Vargas on Jun 2, 2015 22:29:20 GMT -5
Most days, it was all Feliciano could do to get through his schedule, carefully written out and left in his quarters. "Regularity will help give you a sense of stability in this trying time, and help you move past this trauma", the young sentry had been told, and at the time he had little in the way of resistance. However, even with it written out for him, Feliciano commonly missed meals, purposefully skipped meetings with the healers or combat instructors, and generally let the day pass him by without so much as a word.
The only part of his day that held any significance was sentry duty on the castle walls--these shifts were equal parts sheer relief and cloying irritation. With the loss of his arm and everything he ever cared about or aspired to be, these little pockets of usefulness in a monotonous day of existence gave the brunette just enough will to keep on. The general solitude atop the castle wall was certainly a plus (any reprieve from the whispers and stares is gratefully accepted). However, each shift came with the painful reminder that this wasn't where he was supposed to be. It only grows worse when he catches a glimpse of flowing red capes and two sets of bright blonde hair in the distance; the King of Hearts followed dutifully by his new Jack. The ache in his stump hurts all the more with those sights.
Seeing his old friends doesn't make things any easier, though none are near as persistent as the King himself. At least four times a week Feliciano has to dodge an awkward conversation with his old friend/current ruler. it's easier with Lili, she's been gone to her new home in Diamonds and the only communication between the two of them were simple letters Feliciano can ignore should he choose. Ludwig, on the other hand? Feliciano can't outright say no to him, or blatantly ignore his king, especially now that the noble had been so abruptly demoted following the destruction of the Vargas family and estate. Therefore, he has to dodge and dance around the older blonde if they happen to run into each other in the halls. (It's gotten so bad Feliciano tries to use the servants halls as much as possible, dealing with cruel whispers and blatant stares from children and adults alike rather than accidentally crossing paths with his old friend)
As Feliciano was warranted to do, after his shift on the wall he had returned to his room and simply gone to sleep. Judging from the darkness outside, it was late evening--pretty late for a normal visitor, but not unheard of. There were sharp knocks at his door all the same. They weren't the urgent knocks of a messenger or the like, but insistent nonetheless. Since Feliciano hadn't bothered shedding his uniform and the noble didn't care much about appearances anymore. Dragging his disheveled self out of bed, and only barely stumbling in the process, the brunette listlessly unlocked his door and pulled it open. In his sleep, the careful pinning he'd done of his right sleeve had fallen apart, leaving the fabric lumped and bunched up awkwardly as it dangled at his side.
"Who is it--" he began, but upon spying his king standing in the doorway, Feliciano's voice tangled up in his throat. His grip tightened on the handle of his door and an amber gaze immediately dropped. "Y-Your Highness. I...I didn't realize you planned to see me, ve."
Feliciano briefly wondered how much trouble he'd get in if he simply shut the door and went back to bed. He might've slept most the day already, but he's still exhausted (like always).
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Awkward Stoic Potato
Nation
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Post by Ludwig Beilschmidt on Jul 4, 2015 18:28:24 GMT -5
It had been several days since he had seen his friend. His best friend, nonetheless… There was a pang of sorrow at that that, and a fleeting, terrible thought that Ludwig hated to dwell on. They were still friends, weren’t they? Ever since the tragedy that Feliciano had faced, having lost his entire family and quite literally, a part of himself, the brunette had seemed reluctant to face Ludwig. Apart from the mandatory meetings and dinners, the Monarch hardly saw the man, and often times, he couldn’t help but think that perhaps… just maybe Feliciano blamed him partially for the incident? Maybe Feli blamed him for not doing more or not getting there sooner. Ludwig hoped that wasn’t the case. He knew that there was little he could have done to prevent what had happened and he certainly couldn’t reverse or bend the stream of time to go back and do something differently. Regardless, he tried to reconnect with Feliciano in every way that he could—meeting him in the halls, inviting him to dinners and banquets, trying to show up during the man’s rounds atop the castle walls... But in everything, Feliciano always seemed to find a way to evade him and it sorely grated on Ludwig’s nerves (and it did hurt him quite a bit, though he was careful not to let it show). He was left with little other alternatives than to corner the sentry if he wanted even a simple conversation. Ludwig hated to do so, but what else could he do at this point? Feliciano had locked himself away from everyone after the tragedy he had faced, and while Ludwig knew quite well that isolation was needed to heal, too much of it could be crippling and depressing to say the least. He didn’t want to see Feliciano’s state get any worse than it was already. He’d never be able to return things to how they were in the past, but at the very least, a new start and attitude could help (if it wasn’t too late to amend that already). Sighing heavily to himself as he stopped in front of Feliciano’s door, he dipped his head and closed his eyes for a brief moment in order to prepare for the possibility of Feliciano refusing to answer the door or potentially trying to avoid him again (which may prove to be a bit more difficult in these quarters). Regardless, after a few seconds of collecting his thoughts, he raised a fist and knocked sharply and insistently at the door. “Who is it--Y-Your Highness. I...I didn't realize you planned to see me, ve.”The portal opened to reveal his disheveled sentry, who was obviously surprised to see him standing at the door at this hour. In contrast to Feliciano’s messy locks and unpinned shirt, Ludwig was well-kept and it almost seemed that, apart from the weariness that plagued his features, he was ready and presentable enough to conduct more business with the court. However, his cloak, staff, and crown were noticeably missing and the garb he had donned was more suitable for a relaxed evening around the castle rather than the formal wear he was often seen in during the day. A small frown pulled at the corner of his lips as he took in Feliciano’s visage, but the monarch merely shook his head and folded his arms behind his back. “You don’t have to call me that when it’s just the two of us, Feliciano. We’ve known one another for far too long for such formalities to be used outside of the court and the presence of others,” the king’s eyes lifted from the brunette to peer past him into the room before falling back on Feliciano. “I hadn’t, actually,” he confessed. “I didn’t wake you, did I? I was just hoping to catch you before you retired for the night.”He paused, allowing Feliciano to react; to turn him away or to invite him in. In the depth of his weary, cornflower blue eyes, however, was an unspoken plea of “Please don’t evade me again.”
OoC: My apologies if it's a bit rambly/redundant in some places. |
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Post by Feliciano Vargas on Sept 1, 2015 10:34:49 GMT -5
As always, the king was well-kept and ready for anything, Feliciano noticed in that brief moment he'd actually made eye-contact with the other. A truth from most of their childhood together, not a hair was out of place, and his clothes were free of wrinkles and rumples. It was obvious, however, that the blonde was ready to--or preparing to, in any case--retire for the night. Whatever expression may be lingering on his face, however, Feliciano dared not try to see, amber eyes focused very fixedly on the ground at the blonde's face.
What did Ludwig want? It's too late to deal with something like this (not that time held much sway over Feliciano, exhaustion and distraction constantly tugging on his focus). He was tired, tired deep to his bones, and he didn't have the will to deal with this. He couldn't stand here and talk with Ludwig right now. He wanted to go back to bed. (to be quite honest, the sentry didn't like leaving the covers at all, anymore...)
Ludwig, just as he did with every other time Feliciano couldn't escape his friend, didn't seem to notice Feliciano's thoughts. "You don't have to call me that when it's just the two of us, Feliciano," he replied, the soft rumble of his own name from the other causing the disheveled brunette to tense up. "We've known one another for far too long for such formalities to be used outside of the court and the presence of others."
Those words almost drew a snort out of Feliciano, and his hand tightened its grip on the increasingly warm door latch. So he could only refer to his friend by his name when no one else was around? What a change. Part of him knew that was unfair, the part of him that had always been happy to refer to his friend with the respect his bloodline and lifestyle deserved. It certainly wasn't out of place to refer to the other as His Highness, regardless of company or lack thereof. However, Feliciano was bitter. He was always bitter.
It certainly didn't help when, almost sheepishly, his ruler admitted he hadn't planned on stopping by. Why come by, then, if you didn't plan on it? Why waste both our time? (The real question Feliciano was keen on asking, that he didn't think he ever would, was "Why do you keep coming back?") However, even anger was too difficult to hang onto, and the brunette's tense shoulders sagged once again, a quiet sigh passing through his nose. "I didn't wake you, did I?" Ludwig asked, and there was...something coloring his question. Either concern or pity, but the noble couldn't tell the difference, anymore. "I was just hoping to catch you before you retired for the night."
The ball was in his field, now. What could he possibly do now? Feliciano didn't want to invite the royal in. However, there was no polite way to turn him away. Just because the other had no order, nor any specific plan, upon seeing him didn't mean he could simply spurn the king's presence without some form of repercussion. This was all too exhausting.
Not once did amber eyes lift up from the floor, even as he hesitantly shifted a step back, hovering on the edge between talking with Ludwig through the doorway or reluctantly allowing the royal inside. The room wasn't particularly messy--in fact, it was practically barren save for the rumpled blankets upon the bed and haphazardly placed pillows upon the couch closer to the door. He had little in the ways of entertaining guests, or even personal possessions; those were all lost in the fires half a year before and Feliciano did nothing to attempt replacing them. "I...just woke up, I'm sorry, your Highness," he finally answered, pulling away to allow Ludwig space to enter, should he wish to. "But...if you need something, I'm at your disposal."
A faint sound of dark amusement escaped him at that, probably too silent for the royal to hear (or so Feliciano hoped). Aren't they all disposable, in the end?
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Awkward Stoic Potato
Nation
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Post by Ludwig Beilschmidt on Jan 25, 2016 22:26:59 GMT -5
Feliciano’s tenseness didn’t go unnoticed, but Ludwig instead chose not to speak on it for fear of irritating his friend. Unlike their childhood and year following it, it seemed like Ludwig was constantly walking on eggshells around the brunette. It always seemed to be a delicate balancing act in which Ludwig was afraid that one single misstep would cause the man to clam up and shove him away completely, or to lash out. It was honestly a bit difficult to discern what the other may do, but of the aforementioned choices, neither was preferable…considering both had rather distasteful consequences for one party or both.
Still it was frustrating that the otherwise sincere and direct ruler had to conduct himself in such a way. It was foreign for him, but if it meant hanging on to perhaps his most trusted and close friend, he would play the part for a while…even if it was becoming tiring.
As Ludwig continued to wait, he could feel his heart sinking bit by bit into the pit of his stomach. He could feel the heat of rejecting starting to prick at the back of his neck and face and it felt as if he would start to sweat at any second. His inner voice mumbled that the longer it took for Feliciano to decide—the longer that both of them stood here—then the less likely the chances of him actually being allowed in. It told him that this time, like many others, the man had made up his mind to reject a visitor and was merely feigning consideration before turning him away. However, a the brunette took a few steps back, a wave of relief swept over him and he rejoiced in a silent victory as he took several careful steps forward into the room.
"I...just woke up, I'm sorry, your Highness.”
Ludwig shook his head with a small sigh. “There’s no need to apologize…if anyone should it’s me, for coming at such a late hour, but as I said, I was hoping to catch you before you retire.”
The King of Hearts stood silently for a moment as his gaze briefly washed over the rest of the sparsely decorated room. He felt a tug of guilt as he was reminded just how much his friend used to have and just how little he now surrounded himself with. He could remember back when things were much more vibrant in their lives--with regards to not only room decor, but personality and interactions. The lingering pain of such a reminder forced him to shove the thought from his mind as he slowly moved toward the couch and stopped in front of it. Though he was king, this was Feliciano’s room—it was his domain—and his mother, bless her soul, had always taught him to mind his manners regardless of his company. She would certainly have scolded him and taken a rod to him should he have acted any other way and she found out.
“May I?” He gestured to the couch with one hand, not sitting until Feliciano had given him permission. In the meantime, he continued. “…I…really have missed being able to see you, Feli.”
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Post by Feliciano Vargas on Mar 29, 2016 17:19:12 GMT -5
Feliciano already regretted allowing Ludwig inside and the king hadn't even entered his quarters yet. Just that sigh alone sent Feliciano's hackles rising. "There's no need to apologize," Ludwig said, still not stepping into the room. "If anyone should, it's me, for coming at such a late hour, but as I said, I was hoping to catch you before you retire."Despite the phrasing, Feliciano knew he wouldn't actually receive an apology for this unannounced, honestly unwanted visit. His Royal Highness has never been one for saying "I'm sorry", even as children. Granted, Ludwig was royalty; rarely were they actually expected, let alone asked to apologize for their actions. They were mostly reserved for misdeeds between royalties of different kingdoms, as far as the brunette knew. Any sort of apology given today would be an empty one, anyway. Feliciano shut the door behind his king with a bit more force than necessary. Ludwig obviously wanted to stop by, and he wouldn't feel guilty in the least for interrupting the brunette's entire schedule to visit, if that's what he wanted to do. In the past, Feliciano encouraged Ludwig for making sure not to drown himself in the needs of others, but now... The 'noble' felt as though Ludwig didn't put Feliciano's emotions into consideration at all with this shit. And with Ludwig being who he was, Feliciano can't just tell him to go away. At least, not so bluntly as that. The sentry hated this stupid game he had to play. Hated having to dance around everything he actually wanted to say. Hated that Ludwig just kept coming back, trapping him in more situations and making it more difficult to evade them every time. Feliciano just wanted to be left alone. He didn't want to deal with this. But the times of openness and honesty between himself and Ludwig were long gone. Obviously Ludwig wanted something from him, but Feliciano neither knew what that something was, or if he could even give the king what he wanted. Feliciano had nothing left. Amber eyes had not yet looked up from the floor. Nor had Feliciano moved from his position near the door. Whatever his ruler was asking permission for, Feliciano didn't know nor cared. He offered a dismissive shrug in response, not caring what Ludwig did at this point. He'd invited Ludwig in, and now there was basically nothing he could do to remove him before he was ready to leave, so Feliciano couldn't bring himself to police the blonde. Absently, his hand wandered to his right side. The knotted mess dangling from his shoulder had begun to irritate him, swaying an uncomfortable reminder at the corner of his eye. Feliciano's fidgeting only paused at Ludwig's next words. "...I...really missed being able to see you, Feli.""My apologies for the change of schedule, your Highness," Feliciano said without much thought, still dedicated to fixing his sleeve. "If I could but make your schedule less busy, I would certainly try, ve." He offered another shrug. "However, I am no longer qualified for such adventures. My sentry duties are also very important and deserve my dedication." Despite the perceived harshness of his words, both Feliciano's expression and voice remained impassive. He didn't intend to sound rude, in any case. Feliciano just...didn't know what else he could do, at this point. He didn't know why Ludwig kept coming back. He didn't know what Ludwig wanted. "I am sorry for my lack of diligence." That was the truth--if he just paid better attention, Ludwig wouldn't see him at all. Maybe then Feliciano could fade into anonymity in peace.
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Awkward Stoic Potato
Nation
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Post by Ludwig Beilschmidt on Mar 14, 2017 20:41:30 GMT -5
Ludwig stood and a small frown started to form as Feliciano finally spoke up.
"My apologies for the change of schedule, your Highness. If I could but make your schedule less busy, I would certainly try, ve. However, I am no longer qualified for such adventures. My sentry duties are also very important and deserve my dedication. I am sorry for my lack of diligence.”
His tone and choice of wording was a far cry from the jovial lilt Ludwig had been so used to hearing in the past. It was...not entirely hostile, but not exactly friendly. If there was any a word to describe it, perhaps dull or detached. It may not have been intentional, but just the way it was presented cut Ludwig deep down. Not that it hurt LUDWIG per se, but that it hurt him to see his friend become this way.
The King merely let out a deep sigh at that as he tried to collect his own words, and the tenseness in the air had become nigh tangible and lingered heavily around him. It was enough that he had thoroughly changed his mind about sitting on the couch to relax and speak with Feliciano. He remained standing as he watched his old friend, eyes slowly shifting to the loose cloth that the man toyed with. A thought came to him to offer to assist him in getting it just so, but he knew that the offer would be denied. After dismissing the thought, he snapped his eyes back to Feli’s face. He wasn’t sure how to present what he had on his mind in a way that wouldn’t entirely upset the man, but he did have to find out.
“It’s not a matter of schedules, nor is it a matter of qualifications or duties, or anything of the such, Feliciano,” he began. Ludwig was quite aware of his guards’ and sentries’ duties, after all. He shook his head and dropped his gaze for a split second before locking eyes with Feliciano, if he had the chance to catch the man’s look, that is. “I understand that all of this,” he gestured with a hand to Feliciano and around the room to indicate what he spoke of, “hasn’t been easy. I confess I don’t know the depths of the troubles you’re going through, nor will I pretend to. I know you’re doing all that you can at the present moment...”
A moment passed before Ludwig spoke again, his tone becoming somewhat softer, less authoritative, and more like that of a confused and concerned friend. “But why do you constantly avoid me? Have I--” he cut himself off and looked to the brunette, brows furrowed as he inhaled deeply.
“Do you resent me?” he presented the inquiry without any other bothersome details, allowing Feliciano to fill in the rest should he choose. However, it was something that had stuck with the noble and popped back in now and again, that perhaps he was hated for not going to be with Feli that night...perhaps the other was irritated at him for not having helped more than he had. Ludwig had done all he could, but sometimes, he felt like he could have done more or at the very least, he could have done something different.... Nevertheless, as much as he dreaded the answer, he had to know--swimming in uncertainty did nothing but complicate matters and at the very least, perhaps he’d know a sliver of what was going on in Feli’s mind with regards to their own friendship and (if at all possible) could take steps to patch up what remained of their relationship.
OoC...I'm sorry for the extremely long ass wait. It was a devil trying to get Lud to figure out how he wanted to reply and like...well.. you know how he can be.
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Post by Feliciano Vargas on Apr 30, 2017 0:47:34 GMT -5
Felicano heard more than saw Ludwig one again rise to his feet, after having only sat for maybe a minute or two. Tension hardened the lines of his cheek as he grit his teeth, and part of Feliciano rankled at the sudden movements. He wanted to demand that Ludwig make up his mind; sit or stand, stay or go, talk or stay silent. Just something, and stick with it! Another, quieter part simply admonished Feliciano for demanding so much of others when he couldn't even commit to one thing himself. If he wanted to slip to anonymity, he wouldn't just try to dance around the issue. He would leave, and vanish into the depths of the kingdom, or beyond. It told him to admit that he was simply scared. Scared of everything. Vaguely, Feliciano realized he had just ripped a hole into his sleeve. Even he could admit that, usually, he would react to doing something like that. He'd shout or scream, or rip a bigger hole in a fit of rage, or perhaps burst into tears. It was so hard to predict which emotion would overtake him first: rage or despair. Now? Feliciano felt...strangely detached from the whole situation. Like letting Ludwig in had completely shifted the scale, and reality around him. Something like the sound of lightning skittering through wire echoed in his ears, making it hard for Feliciano to discern exactly what was happening around him. His fingers still absently tugged at that little hole he'd ripped, stretching it wider with little snap-snaps of breaking thread. They worked even as his attention was caught by Ludwig's words. "It’s not a matter of schedules, nor is it a matter of qualifications or duties, or anything of the such, Feliciano," he started hesitantly. And when Feliciano finally, for the first time this entire encounter, lifted his gaze to his king, Ludwig was looking away, as well. For the moment, anyway. Feliciano couldn't quite figure out why the blonde wasn't in focus, though--looking more like...shapes, of blonde and red and pink, than the larger-than-life figure Ludwig usually cut. Until bright blue eyes turned back to stare at Feliciano, and suddenly he was hyperaware of every uneven sliver of blue and gray in Ludwig's irises; the subtle shift of his pupils as they dilated just slightly in the shifting light. "I understand that all of this--" the sudden wave of Ludwig's hand in his peripheral made Feliciano flinch in shock; why was everything suddenly so, so there-- "hasn’t been easy. I confess I don’t know the depths of the troubles you’re going through, nor will I pretend to. I know you’re doing all that you can at the present moment..."Ha! That nearly made Feliciano laugh, were it not for the sudden tightening of the noose around his throat, making it almost impossible to breathe. "Doing all he could", huh? Ludwig must not be as well-informed as Feliciano thought. Or, that quiet side reminded him unkindly, perhaps Ludwig was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps Ludwig was hoping Feliciano was trying his best, despite what he might see or hear. And that's what Feliciano had wanted him to think, right? That he was alright, and things were fine, and that Feliciano was just quiet and unassuming now and thus not worth all this attention Ludwig kept giving him. Feliciano certainly wasn't living up to that illusion he'd tried to weave, not under this sort of pressure that wasn't even pressure at all. It was concern, genuine concern and compassion. Neither of which Feliciano wanted from Ludwig, he realized almost hazily as Ludwig spoke. "But why do you constantly avoid me? Have I-- Do you resent me?"That was not the question Feliciano had been expecting, though what he'd thought Ludwig would ask, he did not know. And, after a moment of shocked silence, Feliciano realized with growing horror that he didn't know. He couldn't answer that question. Sometimes, yes, Feliciano resented Ludwig. He hated Ludwig. Hated his king so much that Feliciano could choke on the vitrol that churned like hot sludge in his lungs, making it impossible to breathe without loathing every movement he made. But those days, Feliciano hated everything from the earth beneath his feet to the stars hanging so far beyond even the sun and moon in the sky and everything in between. Everything that was there when his family was not; his purpose was not; his life was not. And Feliciano hated himself more than anything else. Those days he stayed in his room and fumed and raged and hated in an all-consuming silence. Other moments, he missed him, ached to the bone for want of Ludwig's soft words and stern orders and kind advice and the soft look in his eyes when it was just Feliciano and him and Kiku under a warm night in the gardens and there were no burning mothers in the darkness behind Feliciano's eyes or roaring flames in his silence ever-present. And Feliciano loved them both and cried alone because he couldn't burden them with his weakness, with his shame; he had been weighed by crisis and been found so wanting that not even Death had taken him; that with took all hadn't wanted Feliciano, and so how could his friends want him? His indecision warred within him, thoughts spinning more and more rapidly around him Feliciano felt trapped in a vortex and it took a long moment, too long to realize that it was the room that was spinning and his lungs were screaming. Feliciano sucked in a deep breath through his nose. He slipped his weight back against the wall to his left, too-wide eyes unfocused. He was shaking; fingers coiled white-knuckled and utterly numb in the torn fabric of his empty sleeve. But he knew his answer now, at the very least. "I don't know," Feliciano whispered, voice ragged. Whatever walls he'd built up around him, whatever detached disassociation had claimed him now long since fallen away. Left Feliciano exposed and terrified and filled with such loathing that were it not for an empty stomach Feliciano may very well have retched them up. "I don't know."Feliciano had nothing; knew nothing; was nothing. That sickened Feliciano more than anything Ludwig could have said to him.
Ludwig Beilschmidt okay so um. that got a bit away from me and I wasn't expecting that at all. I hope it works for you tho orz |
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Awkward Stoic Potato
Nation
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Post by Ludwig Beilschmidt on Sept 22, 2017 14:30:45 GMT -5
At each moment he paused for Feliciano to react—somehow or someway—the silence cut into him. Ludwig’s throat tightened and his stomach felt full of lead as he looked to Feliciano, who had been a bit more preoccupied with tearing at a hole in his sleeve. Several times, the small motion caught Ludwig’s attention, but he didn’t stop Feliciano from widening the hole in the garment. It was likely a nervous habit or something and at this moment, Ludwig didn’t feel the need to correct such behavior when the man before him was already so…uneasy. Still, the King of Hearts could not say why his dear friend was acting like this around him—like some stranger, but that’s why he was here—to ask and find out. Ludwig perked up a bit as Feliciano made a move to speak, waiting for the words, whatever they were going to be. “I don’t know.”He was not ready for such a simple, yet complex, phrase. They were perhaps the words that cut more than a definitive answer. It meant that there was doubt of some sort, or blame...or…whatever the hell it was. Ludwig’s face sank a bit as he nodded slowly. He’d like to say he understood; he didn’t. He’d like to say he could help; he couldn’t. The blond inhaled sharply through his nose, before allowing the air escape past his lips. He was unsure of what to say next to that. Of what to tell Feliciano. He had had his plans before coming here, sure, but he had since lost them. “Please know this: I am here for you,” Ludwig wanted to reach out and touch his shoulder, but thought better of it, given Feli’s current state—he seemed on the verge of crying at the very least, but Ludwig couldn’t quite tell. “I still see us as friends and I’m still here for you, if you need or want me. I’m sure Kiku is as well. We aren’t going to scoff at you or toss you aside.” He could say that until he was blue in the face, but he had no way of letting Feli know he was sincere…or at least he had tried to before but those attempts had gone ignored or otherwise unseen.
OoC: I'm sorry it's short but I hope it's something to work with! Feliciano Vargas |
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Post by Feliciano Vargas on Mar 6, 2018 23:04:00 GMT -5
Feliciano's own words rattled around in his head even after he spoke them. "I don't know, I don't know," over and over. I don't know if I love you, or hate you. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know what happened that night. I don't know why that night happened. I don't know wclosinghy things are, the way they are. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Amber eyes clenched shut under the onslaught. As if closing them helped Feliciano hide from, well, everything. Coiling his fingers around the hole in his sleeve did little to still the shaking of his frame. There was so much he wanted to say, but he didn't know what any of it was. Did he want to apologize? Did he want to explain himself? Did he-- "Please know this; I am here for you," Ludwig finally said, voice soft. Soft and yet the words dug deep, stung like a slap to the face yet burned like a stab wound. "I still see us as friends and I'm still here for you, if you need or want me.I’m sure Kiku is as well. We aren’t going to scoff at you or toss you aside."Except it's felt just like that. Like Ludwig and Kiku, and the rest of the world as well, had left Feliciano in the dust. Yet Feliciano felt just as much that he'd fallen and couldn't get up--didn't want to get up, to face the pain and the terror of the world after the ground beneath his feet had been yanked away. Feliciano wanted to scream and Ludwig, howl in rage and agony and throw everything in his room at the royal until Ludwig left and never fucking came back. Left Feliciano behind properly instead of offering these false platitudes and empty consolations. Instead of lingering at Feliciano's shadow and offering a hand but it's held out too far for Feliciano to reach. Feliciano wanted to scream and rage and fight and curl up in bed and never get up again. Feliciano wanted to cry, just cry and apologize and beg for Ludwig to just go, go and forget about him because Feliciano wasn't worth even this weak attempt at contact. Instead, Feliciano tucked his chin into his good shoulder, turning away from his king and ruler. Yet another attempt to pull away and hide in the dark. "... Is that all you w-wanted from me, your Highness?" Feliciano asked, voice weak even to his own ears. "Or did you--did you need...want s-something else, ve?"That wasn't even the first thing Feliciano wanted to say, but it was all he could cling to. A shadow of decorum and professionalism, even as Feliciano shook against the wall, curled up around himself like he'd been struck or expected to be; an emotional wreck and not a single sliver of dignity left.
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